“nonviolent communication:
a language of compassion”
by marshall b. rosenberg, ph.d.
chapter one: giving from the heart,
the heart of nonviolent communication
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself
and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” —MBR
introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in
a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with
two questions. What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate
nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And
conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their
compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around
the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The
second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at
a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few
days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence,
and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a
name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher
called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed,
“Are you a kike?” I had never heard the word before and didn’t know
it was used by some people in a derogatory way to refer to Jews.
After school, the two were waiting for me: they threw me to the
ground, kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two
questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay
connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst
circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who
remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque
conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her
journal at the time,
“I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave
but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I
must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone
ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that
a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt
no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to
ask, ‘Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend
let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and
weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then,
for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon
as they are let loose on mankind.” —Etty
Hillesum: A
Memoir
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While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay
compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our
use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to
communicating—speaking and listening—that leads us to give from the
heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way
that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach
Nonviolent Communicationsm, using the term “nonviolence”
as Gandhi used it—to refer to our natural state of compassion when
violence has subsided from the heart. While we may not consider the
way we talk to be “violent,” our words often lead to hurt and
NVC: a way of commu- nicating that leads us to give from
the heart. | pain, whether for ourselves or
others. In some communities, the process I am describing is known as
Compassionate Communication; the abbreviation “NVC” is used
throughout this book to refer to Nonviolent or Compassionate
Communication.
a way to focus attention
NVC is founded on language and communication skills that
strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying
conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated
into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us
about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate
to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely
manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear
others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words
become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we
are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express
ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying
others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come
to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to
observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and
conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly
articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation. The
form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC
to hear our own deeper needs and those of
others. |
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or
attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive
ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships,
in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are
minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt,
and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the
depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep
listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect,
attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give
from the heart.
Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or a
“language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language.
On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention
focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are
seeking.
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There is a story of a man under a street lamp searching for
something on all fours. A policeman passing by asked what he was
doing. “Looking for my car keys,” replied the man, who appeared
slightly drunk. “Did you drop them here?” inquired the officer.
“No,” answered the man, “I dropped them in the alley.” Seeing the
policeman’s baffled expression, the man hastened to explain, “But
the light is much better here.”
Let's shine the light of consciousness on places where we
can hope to find what we are seeking. |
I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention
on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as
a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness—on
places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I
want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others
based on a mutual giving from the heart.
This quality of compassion, which I refer to as “giving from the
heart,” is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend, Ruth
Bebermeyer:
I never feel more given to than when you take from
me — when you understand the joy I feel giving to
you. And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my
debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for
you.
To receive with grace may be the greatest
giving. There’s no way I can separate the two. When you
give to me, I give you my receiving. When you take from me,
I feel so given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album,
“Given To.”
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When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs
forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind
of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver
enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that
accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain.
The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when
we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are
communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us
compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated
solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can
to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the
process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to
one another. I’m not saying that this always happens quickly. I do
maintain, however, that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay
true to the principles and process of NVC.
the nvc process
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the
light of consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four
components of the NVC model.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what
are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or
not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this
observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply
say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.
Four components of NVC: 1. observation 2.
feeling 3. needs 4. request |
Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we
hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say
what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.
An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to
clearly and honestly express how we are.
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her
teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks
under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel
irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we
share in common.”
She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very
specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your
room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses
what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our
lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information
very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect
of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of
information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what
they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what
would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their
request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned,
and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication,
back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am
observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my
life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are
requesting to enrich your life....
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NVC Process
The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our
well-being
How we are feeling
in relation to what we are observing
The needs, values,
desires, etc. that are creating our feelings
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our
lives
Two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honesty through the
four components 2. receiving empathically through the four
components |
When we use this model, we may begin either by expressing
ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of
information from others. Although we will learn to listen for and
verbally express each of these components in Chapters 3–6, it is
important to keep in mind that NVC does not consist of a set
formula, but adapts to various situations as well as personal and
cultural styles. While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or
“language,” it is possible to express all four pieces of the model
without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is to be found in
our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words
that are exchanged.
applying nvc in our lives and world
When we use NVC in our interactions, with ourselves, with another
person, or in a group, we become grounded in our natural state of
compassion. It is therefore an approach that can be effectively
applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations:
intimate relationships families schools organizations
and institutions therapy and counseling diplomatic and
business negotiations disputes and conflicts of any nature.
Some people use NVC to create greater depth and caring in their
intimate relationships:
“When I learned how I can receive (hear), as well as
give (express), through using NVC, I went beyond feeling attacked
and ‘door mattish’ to really listening to words and extracting
their underlying feelings. I discovered a very hurting man to whom
I had been married for 28 years. He had asked me for a divorce the
weekend before the [NVC] workshop. To make a long story short, we
are here today, together, and I appreciate the contribution [it
has] made to our happy ending. . . . I learned to listen
for feelings, to express my needs, to accept answers that I didn’t
always want to hear. He is not here to make me happy, nor am I
here to create happiness for him. We have both learned to grow, to
accept, and to love, so that we can each be fulfilled.” —workshop participant in San
Diego
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Others use it to build more effective relationships at work. A
teacher writes:
“I have been using NVC in my special education
classroom for about one year. It can work even with children who
have language delays, learning difficulties, and behavior
problems. One student in our classroom spits, swears, screams, and
stabs other students with pencils when they get near his desk. I
cue him with, ‘Please say that another way. Use your giraffe
talk.’ [Giraffe puppets are used in some workshops as a teaching
aid to demonstrate NVC.] He immediately stands up straight, looks
at the person towards whom his anger is directed, and says calmly,
‘Would you please move away from my desk? I feel angry when you
stand so close to me.’ The other students might respond with
something like ‘Sorry! I forgot it bothers you.’
I began to
think about my frustration with this child and to try to discover
what I was needing from him (besides harmony and order). I
realized how much time I had put into lesson planning and how my
need for creativity and contribution were being short-circuited in
order to manage behavior. Also, I felt I was not meeting the
educational needs of the other students. When he was acting out in
class, I began to say, ‘I need you to share my attention.’ It
might take a hundred cues a day, but he got the message and would
usually get involved in the lesson.” —teacher, Evanston, Illinois
A doctor writes:
“I use NVC more and more in my medical practice. Some
patients ask me whether I am a psychologist, saying that usually
their doctors are not interested in the way they live their lives
or deal with their diseases. NVC helps me understand what the
patients’ needs are and what they are needing to hear at a given
moment. I find this particularly helpful in relating to patients
with hemophilia and AIDS because there is so much anger and pain
that the patient/healthcare-provider relationship is often
seriously impaired. Recently a woman with AIDS, whom I have been
treating for the past five years, told me that what has helped her
the most have been my attempts to find ways for her to enjoy her
daily life. My use of NVC helps me a lot in this respect. Often in
the past, when I knew that a patient had a fatal disease, I myself
would get caught in the prognosis, and it was hard for me to
sincerely encourage them to live their lives. With NVC, I have
developed a new consciousness as well as a new language. I am
amazed to see how much it fits in with my medical practice. I feel
more energy and joy in my work as I become increasingly engaged in
the dance of NVC.” —physician in
Paris
Still others use this process in the political arena. A French
cabinet member visiting her sister remarked how differently the
sister and her husband were communicating and responding to each
other. Encouraged by their descriptions of NVC, she mentioned that
she was scheduled the following week to negotiate some sensitive
issues between France and Algeria regarding adoption procedures.
Though time was limited, we dispatched a French-speaking trainer to
Paris to work with the cabinet minister. She later attributed much
of the success of her negotiations in Algeria to her newly acquired
communication techniques.
In Jerusalem, during a workshop attended by Israelis of varying
political persuasions, participants used NVC to express themselves
regarding the highly contested issue of the West Bank. Many of the
Israeli settlers who have established themselves on the West Bank
believe that they are fulfilling a religious mandate by doing so,
and they are locked in conflict not only with Palestinians but with
other Israelis who recognize the Palestinian hope for national
sovereignty in this region. During a session, one of my trainers and
I modeled empathic hearing through NVC, and then invited
participants to take turns role-playing each others’ position. After
twenty minutes, a settler announced her willingness to consider
relinquishing her land claims and moving out of the West Bank into
internationally recognized Israeli territory if her political
opponents were able to listen to her in the way she had just been
listened to.
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Worldwide, NVC now serves as a valuable resource for communities
facing violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious, or political
tensions. The spread of NVC training and its use in mediation by
people in conflict in Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria,
Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and elsewhere have been a source of particular
gratification for me. My associates and I were recently in Belgrade
over three highly charged days training citizens working for peace.
When we first arrived, expressions of despair were visibly etched on
the trainees’ faces, for their country was enmeshed in a brutal war
in Bosnia and Croatia. As the training progressed, we heard the ring
of laughter in their voices as they shared their profound gratitude
and joy for having found the empowerment they were seeking. Over the
next two weeks, during trainings in Croatia, Israel, and Palestine,
we again saw desperate citizens in war-torn countries regaining
their spirits and confidence from the NVC training they received.
I feel blessed to be able to travel throughout the world teaching
people a process of communication that gives them power and joy.
Now, with this book, I am pleased and excited to be able to share
the richness of Nonviolent Communication with you.
summary
NVC helps us connect with ourselves and each other in a way that
allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe
the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our
consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and
needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters
deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire
to give from the heart. Some people use NVC to respond
compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their
personal relationships, and still others to build effective
relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is
used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
nvc in action
Interspersed throughout the book are dialogues entitled “NVC in
Action.” These dialogues intend to impart the flavor of an actual
exchange where a speaker is applying the principles of Nonviolent
Communication. However, NVC is not simply a language or a set of
techniques for using words; the consciousness and intent which it
embraces may be expressed through silence, a quality of presence, as
well as through facial expressions and body language. The NVC in
Action dialogues you will be reading are necessarily distilled and
abridged versions of real-life exchanges, where moments of silent
empathy, stories, humor, gestures, etc. would all contribute to a
more natural flow of connection between the two parties than might
be apparent when dialogues are condensed in print.
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I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha
Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men.
Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was
speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering
through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my
translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to
his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs,
“Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in
chorus:“Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was
feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into
the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that
had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each
canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees
harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and
other weapons to Israel.
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
I: |
Are you angry because you would like my government to use
its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was
correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect
with his feeling and need.) |
He: |
Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need
sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have
our own country! |
I: |
So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in
improving your living conditions and gaining political
independence? |
He: |
Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven
years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you
got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us? |
I: |
Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re
wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what
it’s like to be living under these conditions. |
He: |
You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do
they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick!
He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you
seen a school that has no books? |
I: |
I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children
here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all
parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity
to play and grow in a healthy environment . . . |
He: |
That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you
Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see
what kind of human rights you’re bringing here! |
I: |
You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of
the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences
of our political actions? |
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly
twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind
each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words,
not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share
his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I
explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same
man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a
Ramadan dinner.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
To purchase the book, please see [our bookstore].
Copyright © 2003 by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. A
PuddleDancer Press Book (Provided courtesy of PuddleDancer
Press) [to top
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