LETTER TO MY DEAR FRIEND

December, 1999    

    Hey Jenn,

    Yesterday me and mum just returned from a meditation retreat in Malaysia. I must say its been 'quite' an experience. At first it was boring as hell, I mean you're stuck in this remote place in the middle of the jungle with loads of mosquitoes buzzing around you and yet not supposed to enjoy the wilderness, because as yogis (meditators) one is not allowed to look around, talk loudly (or at all!!) or run about. In fact you're supposed to do things really slowly, so much so it took me one or two hours just to eat a banana, some cereal and some bites of cheese sandwich. After one day I kinda 'gave up' or like surrender, so I thought 'ahh what the heck', there's 'nothing to do' anyway, so why not be serious about meditation, so I practised diligently, like a good yogi.). Aren't you proud of me? yeah. The loud talkative girl called Kay was actually silent and mindful for the past week, its a big accomplishment, one of my BIGGEST!!

     I did drinking meditation too and took about 3 hours to drink a glass of water. Crazy rite? but when you slow down, I mean REALLY slow down, you come to observe many many insightful knowledge of your body and mind. You note loads of mental thoughts ( yeah like thinking about x x x ), the process of eating is quite remarkable too. You know when eating your tongue acts like a sheep dog 'herding' the food to the right and left to the extreme molars to crush to the food, then when the intention (or mind) arises, the tongue sweeps the tiny bits of food to the upper part of the mouth and with a very gentle push, the food gets 'herded' down the throat, the throat muscles contract and down goes the near liquidified food particles.

    Then one day I FINALLY decided to do some serious sitting meditation, like in the semi lotus position (not the full lotus position) with both legs crossed and one leg over the lap( the full lotus is when you have BOTH legs over the other lap). OK, ITS HELL OF A PAINFUL experience, especially after one hour. You feel pain arising in the knee, so you note it without hoping it'd go away (because that's being greedy). Guess what? the pain goes away!! Yeah, but it arises in another part of your body, especially the ankles, it was really killing me, mannnnn I was REALLY patient. Then you feel itchy here (tonnes of mosquitoes remember? yeah really big ones too ....), note the itchiness then it'll naturally go away.

     You come to realise the impermanent nature of things because pain also is impermanent like all other phenomena. Then you realise suffering, how not to when there's so much physical pain. Guess what? I made a MAJOR feat, sat still for 5 hours. Yes, 5 very long arduous hours. When I got up, I couldn't even MOVE my feet, the pain was more excruciating than when I sat still.... it was so hard to bear that I noted the intention to CRY!! Tears started rolling down, and the nose starts running.... I thought, ahhh yahh, this body gives so much suffering, feel like a really old woman you know.

     I came to realise that its impossible to escape suffering, old age, sickness and death. So why be attached to pain or of mental torment. Meditation also helps me realise anatta or no self. since I have no control over my mind (it wanders in its own accord and rests on mental objects by its own, like a wanderer that roams over vast plains) or body( since its impossible to command your body not to have menstrual cramps, or in getting old, neither can you command your body not to perish). Since you have NO control over this mind and body, how can you say it belongs to you? Ahhh, there's no Kay, no Jennifer, no 'I', no 'YOU', ... only nama ( mind) and rupa ( body), pretty abstract stuff, hur? But it makes a lot of sense. Naturally there's this overwhelming sadness when you realise that YOU do not exist. Its like, no Aunty, no Kay... no permanence. Its amazing isn't it? Very insightful, you should try it too, just be patient and watch this mind and body which we take so much for granted in this fast hectic world.

    The meditation retreat is conducted by a very old and wise Burmese Sayadaw ( Sayadaw means chief monk in Burmese). He is already an arahat, or have already attained the fourth stage of enlightenment, or have attained Nibbana (Nirvana). When I first met the venerable Sayadaw he looks so serene and so simple, just like meeting your Grand Dad you know. The venerable monk speaks softly and slowly, very, there's always a smile on his face and there is a peaceful radiance of loving kindness when you're in his presence. I just feel so happy to be listening to his dhamma talks ( sermons ) or to talk to him. When you meet a very wise person, one who is completely liberated from the bonds of worldly attachments, you can feel the peace and tranquillity and loving kindness all around you. Its been a good retreat, I managed to dislodge quite a few attachments and fantasies.

     Now that I've done some meditation, you just realise that what is past is past, be in the present frame of mind. Think TODAY, think NOW. When one is free from fetters of the mind, when you realise for yourself the nature of anicca (impermanence), dukkha ( suffering ) and anatta (no self), naturally you become more at peace. It's hard to explain about Vipassana Meditation and if I were to elaborate more I'm afraid the system would crash. If you're interested, you could surf the Net on Vipassana or Insight meditation, its the only way to the path of complete liberation, yes, of Nibbana.

    To quote the Dhammapada of an arahat, a fully enlightened being:

• He who is free from obsessions
• Eating simply, clear headed and focused on liberation,
• Like a migrating bird,
• Leaves no trace of a track in the sky.

     In practising meditation, especially that of insight meditation, one is contemplating and observing the mind and body as it is, in the present moment. Note the arising and passing away of thoughts without clinging to it, note the physical movements of the body and watch the intention (mind) and the subsequent action (body). You will come to know of the nature of cause (the intention to do something, say to walk), and the effect ( actual physical movement). Thus you'll come to know that all phenomena arise and pass away because of cause and effect, not because of some divine force. Then you notice impermanence, suffering nature (due to an unsatisfied or craving mind), and non-self ( no 'I', no 'You', only nama (mind) and rupa (physicality or body) ). The anatta or non-self can be quite hard to grasp. How do you react when I say there's no Jennifer, no Kay, no 'I', no 'You',.... pretty hard. I can't fully comprehend the truth yet, especially the anatta part. I'll have to discover it for myself, by myself by watching my mind and body and the day I fully comprehend the 3 truths is the day I've attained the forth stage of enlightenment. Wow, I hope so, so much to attain Nibbana in this lifetime.

    We believe in rebirth you know, its gonna be another suffering trip if I were to be reborn again and you never know if you' be reborn in hell, or as an animal or as a spirit or deva( celestial being ) or human. In fact being a human, with 5 senses intact is the RAREST and most PRECIOUS existences. The Buddha once remarked: humans have the best existences, even more precious than angels because humans are the ONLY life forms that have the ability to meditate, and hence to realise Nibbana. Angels can attain to the first stage of enlightenment, or sotapatti stage ( the gates of hell and of other woeful states like that of suffering spirits or ghosts and of the animal realm is CLOSED. You'd only be reborn in higher planes, like that of humans and devas ( angels). So Jennifer, you and I are VERY LUCKY to be a human. Think about it and if possible, try meditating Vipassana Meditation or Insight Meditation. Its different from Samantha Meditation ( tranquillity meditation) that most religions practise ( including Buddhists). Samatha Meditation is where the mind focuses on only one object, like repeating verses of the holy scriptures, or of the breathing, etc. It brings about deep concentration and thus a feeling of serenity. Those who are very good in Samantha Meditation even develop supernatural powers (which makes one very attached and greedy subsequently) like Jhana ( the ability to 'fly' to wherever you wish, like having dual split forms. Anytime you wish to be somewhere else, you can be there.) Most have the power of being able to foretell the future, of having celestial contact. BUT the problem of Samantha Meditation is that once you're NOT meditating, all the defilement comes back. You're not able to eradicate the defilements of the mind through Samantha, not of greed, or anger, or delusion, or pride, or sceptical doubt ..... only through Vipassana Meditation are you able to dislodge the anger, pride and greed and all the other defilement's that plagues the ordinary layman. Because in vipassana, you're observing all phenomena, the mind and body AS IT IS, no analysing. Just seeing the truth of the situation, truly 'seeing' with no bias no stereotypes, no attachments.

    I want to quote a paragraph from THE RETURN OF MERLIN, by Deepak Chopra .... its very wise verses when one is reflective and sees things in its natural state: but first a poem from William Blake that is very insightful as well. think deeply and reflect on these following verses.

    To see a world in a grain of sand,
    and heaven in a wildflower,
    to hold infinity in the palm of your hand
    and eternity in an hour.

    We are led to believe a lie,
    when we see with but not through the eye, *(attachments that blind us of the truth of reality)
    that was born in a night, to perish in a night *(impermanence)
    when a soul sleeps in beams of light.
        ( William Blake )

    The * are my interpretations of the sentences

    The followings are the quotes made by the book by Deepak Chopra,

    - Men fear nothing as much as the shattering of illusion
    - This world is pure illusion. it looks real, but the first step of knowledge that the wizard must learn is not to trust his senses.
    - In truth, the darkness has no power other than what they give it.
    - All monsters live in a dark place where mortals stuff their fears and shames and guilt. Its a pitifully small closet, but black enough for all that, and out of it, as needed, things leap out to spread terror.
    - Love, the free road, the dust on it, the steps that leave no footprints, they are the way of love. In the name of love, loneliness is impossible.
    - We spend most of our life cooking up untrue things. Why? so we won't be afraid. The mind likes to soothe itself with stories, and after they get made up, we run around unclear their spell. But if you look closer, there's one huge spell engulfing all of us.

    That's some of the phrases that I've copied while reading some really good books, I highly recommend the return of Merlin, its by far one of the best I've read so far.

    It doesn't matter whether you believe in what I've written about, I respect your believes.. but I just wanted to share with you my experiences.:) hey I'm so sorry I'm so caught up in talking about meditation. HOW ARE YOU HONEY? hey your Aunty called? ahh yah, how can he not recognize your voice? this boy needs some spanking eh?:) heh heh. But sign, I don't know about long distance relationships, or of relationships at all. Now, I don't really care, I'm kinda detached from the idea of everlasting love. So much so I don't really mind being single, not being married or having a boyfriend. I enjoy my own company a lot, more at peace with myself, its good feeling.

    Juho (the Finnish exchange student) just left this morning. Aiiiihh anicca, anicca ( impermanence). No more meeting Juho at the canteen and laughing over sauna party or about the 2 British girls ( his admirers... we always tease him about those 2 girls). We had some good times together, and its so wonderful to have someone open up to you and laugh and talk with, he's such a quiet person otherwise. Now, its bye bye Juho. I'm sad, but I accept it as a phenomenon of life. Aihhh dukkha dukkha ( suffering, suffering). It was a really awkward good-bye, because we never touched before, but we sort of managed a hug, haha haa its so sweet moment. Juho said he might come back to Singapore next fall for a holiday. His mother is living here you see. Its a small world isn't it? I cannot in my wildest imagination think that the quiet boy sitting behind me during strategic management has a MOM who lives in SINGAPORE!! and he's like one of the LAST people I'd imagine to be a friend. I NEVER expected Juho to be the only exchange student in Singapore. I mean, not the one who gave that very 'interesting' case interpretation. Remember? yeah the video concepts case? he got an A for the module. HUMMPPHH!! anyways, I guess in life.... you NEVER know what to expect. so why bother about dreaming or fantasizing about the future, let it be ... let it be. Whoah this is some L O N G letter hur Jean? but I just want to share my knowledge with you, because you're MY FRIEND and I care about you. truly.

    May you be free from inner and outer harm, May you be happy and peaceful,

    With lots and lots and lots of Metta ( love )

    Kay

    P.S. you'd have learnt quite a few Pali terms: like anicca, dukkha, anatta, metta, nama, rupa, vipassana, samatha, yogis, nibbana, arahat, dhamma. yes, that's the language used in the Lord Buddha's time, in northern India. Try using it on your friends and see their bewildered reaction. They'd be like: SAY WHAT???!!:)