Vision and Focus
Sister Thanasanti reflects on the joys and sorrows of practice in the sometimes challenging environment of Amaravati.

When I came to Amaravati at the beginning of this vassa, I was asked if I wanted to do the workshop chore. And figuring it would be a challenge as well as something lovely to offer the community; I accepted. A few days after arriving, I was taken around the workshop and shown what needed to be done. It took two hours to tell me the things that were required as a part of my responsibility; general workshop tidiness, ordering supplies, maintenance of the machines, wood racks, glass, paint, electrical and plumbing department. At the end of this transmission, I was told it would probably take six months to a year to feel comfortable with it. I remember feeling overwhelmed with information and thinking that if it only took a year to familiarise myself and feel comfortable with it all, I'd be doing great. So with all of these responsibilities, and lack of knowledge where does one begin?

Now, people who have been using the workshop recently have been very good about sweeping up at the end of the day. So I come in in the morning and the floor is swept. But there are all the other things to do as well; I pick one and focus on it for a few days. So the overview or vision is the whole workshop and the focus is the individual task that is at hand.

In fact, most of the workshop chore I don't know; there is maybe 10-15% that I feel comfortable with. So when the floor is swept, there is an anxiety in the heart - what next? Don't know. Will I make a mess? Will I have the strength? Will I throw out something valuable? So the heart trembles slightly. And I can see even in the simple act of doing a chore, how easy it is to stay in one's comfort zones - to just keep sweeping the floor. In this case, the responsibility supports the practice by edging one out of comfort zones and into things that bring up fear, uncertainty or anxiety.

This also applies in meditation. 'Worldly' refers to the tricks and remedies one applies to certain mind states in order to bring about balance - contemplating metta when angry, death or decay when there is attachment etc. The familiarity with one's habit patterns and mind states, and skilful responses brings about a certain confidence in knowing how to deal with each experience. But spiritual confidence, in this case, comes from resting in bare awareness of the actual experience without asking it to change. It is a trust and relaxation into the Refuges.

I remember one of the first retreats I was on, where the teacher liked to poke fun at himself and all other meditation teachers, to help keep people's projections and adoration in balance. I remember him saying that meditation teachers were completely useless, the only thing they could do was teach meditation. I remember listening then and saying to myself, "I never want to be like that! I always want to be useful." As it happens, I have wonderful parents and as a child I remember very clearly their encouragement. They told me from the time I was tiny that I could do whatever it was that I wanted. If I put my mind to things, I would be able to accomplish my goals.

One of the blessings of living in a monastery is that you get to live through your worst nightmares. Another blessing of living in a monastery is that every single characteristic that drives you nuts or that you can't stand in everyone else is something you must experience in yourself.

When I first came to this monastery several years ago, I couldn't understand what I observed. I thought to myself: "What's wrong with these people? They can't cope. They can't do things or get anything done." Often they burst into tears or burst into giggles, often they seem to be fainting or feeling weak. And if you ask anyone to do something, they shrink in fear and say, "I can't." Then I had my turn. I got sick, my body was very weak, my brains were scrambled and I couldn't think straight, and this went on for months. I remember the work nun coming to me once and asking if I could sweep the floor. I looked blankly at her, and didn't say anything but went back into my room and burst into tears. Not only could I not cope with sweeping the floor, my brains were so scrambled I couldn't even explain that I wasn't feeling well.

But these opportunities, even though they are ones you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, are invaluable for the practice. What is it then that doesn't change, that is reliable? What is refuge and trust all about? What does meditation mean when your body is sick and your brains are scrambled? This is the work we are doing here; understanding the fears, black holes and crevasses, opening up to them and finding a way through. This is done in the same way that one does a chore. Trust makes it possible to relax through the anxiety, keep awareness open and move slowly being guided by one's intuition and the few threads of information one has.

One of the gifts of a community is that we help each other to remember. If we are successful or gifted, this is what we experience, rather than who we are or why we are here. If we can build and design great things, fix stuff, know about the workshop, the kitchen or the office, this is what we experience - not who we are or why we are here. Or if we are going through a rough patch, sick or feeling depressed or hating ourselves, this again is what we are experiencing - not who we are. But if we forget, then the Sangha helps us to remember. A healthy Sangha upholds the vision of mindfulness and pure awareness, and the individual is able to use it to respond to anything they experience.

One of the problems with vision and focus is that they can get out of balance. When there is too much vision, then you get stuck in ideas. There are the floors and windows that are rotting, the electrical work, the roofs, the gardens, the stores, the tools - not to mention the Sutta and Vinaya classes, teaching engagements etc. And the mind gets so stuck in everything that needs attending to, it becomes worn out just from thinking about it; there's no energy left to do anything. On the other hand when there is too much focus, the mind gets obsessed with the particular task at hand, like repairing something or building something, and the whole world becomes separated into that which helps me do my job and that which obstructs me. So if someone interrupts by asking a question, it's easy to snap or to dismiss them because; - they're interfering with my work. - People are growled at, pujas get missed, sometimes people can't even make it to the meal because they're too busy getting their work done. But one thing is for sure, the work is never done; there are always more things that need attending to.

So the challenge is to work in a way that keeps the vision alive, maintains the aspiration as well as the buildings, and strengthens faith and confidence in the practice. When we keep the vision alive, our hearts rest in the purity of pure awareness. There, one finds joy, peace and easefulness of heart. This is the real work we are doing here.